THE CAST

SHANTHI: A light-skinned Indian lady in her early thirties; pretty, with long hair and a massive cleavage. Vivacious, loves curry and spices, and is eagerly looking for a British husband. A very religious Hindu lady and ,conservative at heart – her only guilty pleasure is her love for white wine. Shanthi is a receptionist at Translink Transport.

SMITHA: An Indian lady, skinny with short hair, pretty and brown-skinned. In her late twenties. A great friend of Shanthi – the two enjoy a happy hour of wine and gossip every Friday evening. Smitha is a team leader in a computer software company.

BOB: A handsome man with blond closely cropped hair, in his early thirties. Bob is a car salesman, and a cynical atheist, . Unmarried, he loves going out for drinks with his mates, loves his Guinness, but above all he loves coloured women, especially Indian women.

ACT 1

SCENE

Bob’s apartment: the kitchen. Bob loves his Guinness and cars, he loves cooking and has a lot of spices in his kitchen, his bachelor pad is a bit messy, he loves football and his favourite food is rice and curry. He has a few Indian movie dvd’s and wants to

learn to talk Indian as he calls it and is hoping he will learn the language someday so that he can go on holiday with his girlfriend one day especially to the Taj Mahel in Agra India he always found this place very romantic

[Enter BOB. He has just come back from work. He goes to the kitchen, takes out a can of Guinness and browses the Fusion101 website. SHANTHI and BOB have both recently put their descriptions on Fusion101, a free dating website. Both, being thrifty, have decided this is a logical thing to do.]

BOB: All right, Fusion101 . . . Women in Northern Ireland . . . Hmm! Shanthi. You’re a pretty girl. [He looks at SHANTHI’s profile as he drains his can of beer. The smile on his face may be the alcohol, or his growing infatuation with her.] Looks Asian . . . that long dark hair. Just my type. [Begins to type an email, composing the message out loud.] Hey Shanthi. The more I look at your profile the more keen I am to meet you.

ACT 2

SCENE

Morning: Shanthi’s apartment. Shanthi has a very traditional

Indian style and prides her self as an Interior Designer, she has a small red sofa set and two red armchairs with Indian designed cushion covers and a large bronze elephant at the side, she also has posters of Indian Film stars has a prayer room for her Gods and keeps her apartment very tidy, she also has Indian and Western clothes in her wardrobe, loves her make-up and high heel shoes, Her bedroom is large with a king sized bed which has a traditional Indian print duvet and pillows cover with black and red wall paper .

[SHANTHI sees BOB’s email and is very excited.]

SHANTHI: Bob! Such a handsome white man . . . Hare Krishna Hare Rama! [Lights her incense stick to the Gods, and then types an email to Bob.]

Bob checks his email at work and is very excited to see Shanthi’s email and invites her to a date at Nandos on Friday.

ACT 3
SCENE
Evening: Shanthi’s apartment.

[Shanthi looks excited and very nervous, as she applies a face pack and puts rollers in her hair. She is wearing a dressing gown,

having just taken a shower. She is singing to a Hindi song playing on her CD player. The doorbell rings.]

SHANTHI: [Happy to see her best friend] Oh hi, Smitha!

[Enter SMITHA. She holds a good job at a computer company.] Smitha is wearing a smart office grey dress with a black coat, black tights and red high heel shoes with red lipstick and short hair.

SMITHA: [Shocked] What are you doing yar? Babra bab! Oh my God!

SHANTHI: Not Bab yaar, Bob! I think I have found the handsome white love of my life. Sorry I did not text you earlier. I am going on a date with Bob!

SMITHA: Is he white? Oh baby, your Mum and Dad are going to be shocked!

SHANTHI: It is good karma. I must have been good in my past life.

SMITHA: Now now, no Ramayana and Mahabaratha talk, Bob may be a very good Christian. Ok yaar I will help you choose a dress to wear. And please do not take your hot chilli pickle to the date!

SHANTHI: Nooo! I jolly well will, yes missus.

SMITHA: What are you going to wear?

SHANTHI: My favourite pink salwar, of course.

SMITHA: He is Bob not Babu, Bob yaar, a white Christian man. Can I see a picture?

[SHANTHI shows SMITHA a picture of Bob on the Fusion101 profile.]

SMITHA: Ohhh he is very handsome man, go you lucky girl! Now now, wear that sexy

black low-cut maxi dress which shows your cleavage, white men like to see a little bit of flesh.

[SHANTHI puts on her black dress, and SMITHA lets out a whistle.]

SMITHA: You look super, baby! Now let me help you with your eyeliner and some lip gloss. And please Shanthi, no big red dot or bhindhi, he is a white Christian man.

[SMITHA asks SHANTHI to do a twirl, and completes the look with a gold shawl. SHANTHI looks quite pretty; she puts on her high heels, sprays on some Revlon perfume.]

,SMITHA: Ok miss, I hope you stun the dude! And please do not use your chilli pickle unless it is really necessary – and no more than two glasses of wine.

ACT 4

SCENE

The date: Nandos in Victoria Square, Belfast.Nandos is a very open friendly restaurant very family friendly for working class people and has nice music but at the same time also has a bar for Shanthi’s guilty pleasure white wine and Guinness for Bob

[BOB sits looking handsome and lonesome in a black jacket and crisp white shirt, his cropped blonde hair spiked.]

[Enter SHANTHI. BOB is quite taken aback, as she looks very attractive, especially her cleavage, and he likes what he sees. He has actually fallen for this pretty Asian lady.]

BOB [rising from the chair and shaking SHANTHI’s hand]: Good day.

SHANTHI [smiling and shaking her head in the Indian way]: Hello, hello.

BOB: What would you like to drink?

SHANTHI: Yes please, white wine. [She looks at Bob, thinking he is quite handsome.]

[Enter WAITRESS. She brings a Guinness for BOB and white wine for SHANTHI.]

SHANTHI: I am a receptionist at the Translink office. What do you do?

BOB: I’m a chief car sales man.

[The WAITRESS presents them with the menu card.]

SHANTHI: I’ll have fish and chips.

BOB: And the steak dinner for me.

[WAITRESS exits, and re-enters with the food.]

SHANTHI [politely taking a bite]: Ooh too bland! [She takes her chilli pickle out of her purse and eats her dinner with her chill pickle.]

Bob [intrigued]: Let me try some. [Takes a big bite with his salad, coughs, and grows red at the ears. He drinks his whole glass of Guinness and tries to shout to the waitress for some more, but lets

out only a squeak, unable to talk. SHANTHI gives him her glass of water and BOB drains it in one gulp. SHANTHI gets the WAITRESS to get more water for BOB, as BOB wipes the perspiration from his forehead.]

SHANTHI [now looking like a Victoria’s Secret model with three cans of Guinness and one glass of water]: It is really sweet of you Bob, to try my famous chilli pickle.

ACT 5
SCENE
Outside Nandos, a few hours later.

[SHANTHI has now had four glasses of white wine and one vodka cocktail, as they exit Nandos.]

SHANTHI [hugging BOB]: Bobbie, my dear Bobbie, you are so dishy and so dandy. [Laughs out loud.]

BOB [holding on to her]: Baby we should get you home.

SHANTHI: Not without you baby.

[BOB now nearly carries SHANTHI to his car.]

SHANTHI [singing, taking hold of BOB’s hand]: All by myself, don’t want to be all by myself any more.

[BOB, smiling sweetly, puts SHANTHI in the back seat.]

SHANTHI [keeps blubbering]: Bobbie you make me feel like a natural woman.

[BOB somehow gets her address. It is nearly 1 am when they arrive at SHANTHI’s council home.]

ACT 6 SCENE

Late night. Shanthi’s apartment.

[BOB takes SHANTHI to her room, removes her shoes, and puts her to bed. He looks at this pretty light skinned Asian lady and

whistles and whispers to himself that Shanthi is beautiful.]

SHANTHI [keeps blubbering]: Bob oh Bobbie.

[BOB tucks her into bed and kisses her cheek.]

ACT 7

SCENE

Late night. Outside Shanthi’s council home.

[BOB gets into his car. The car does not start. BOB gets worried and tries a few times. The car still refuses to start. He comes to the conclusion and says to himself

“Man looks like I have to spend the night in this gorgeous misses home this damn car is not starting must be a sign from the Gods”

ACT 8
SCENE
Late night. Shanthi’s apartment.

[BOB tries sleeping on the the sofa but it is too tiny. The only place available is SHANTHI’s king sized bed. BOB removes his shoes and socks, and gets into bed beside SHANTHI, who is now fast asleep. He snuggles into bed beside her. He smiles a naughty smile and says “ Man I could get used to

this,I would love to wake up with this gorgeous exotic lady by my side and snuggles beside her.

SHANTHI [snuggles close beside him, whispering]: Bob oh Bobbie. [She sleeps beside him, her lips slightly open.]

ACT 9

The next morning. Shanthi’s apartment.

[SHANTHI wakes up and sees Bob in bed beside her.]

SHANTHI [shocked]: Hare Krishna! What have I done?

BOB [getting up]: Hi, gorgeous, good morning. It’s more like hare bob, baby.

SHANTHI [shouts out]: Oh God! Did we – you – you know, that thing – did we do it?

BOB [smiling]: What thing, baby? Oh you mean you and me, all night long, baby? While you were shouting, Bobbie you are so dandy?

SHANTHI: Oh hare Krishna! The Gods are going to be angry!

[BOB looks very amused, enjoying this escapade.]

Act 8

SCENE

The same.

[The doorbell rings.]

SMITHA [outside the apartment, shouting]: Shanthi, are you up?

SHANTHI [shouting]: Oh my dear lord, what to do now, babra bab!

BOB: More like Bob, sweetheart.

[SHANTHI pushes BOB into the kitchen and opens the door.]

SMITHA: So tell me about the date night, over coffee. [She heads to the kitchen, and

SHANTHI tries to push her away from the kitchen door.]

SHANTHI: Go to the prayer room, the Lord Krishna is waiting to hear you. Here is the incense stick.

SMITHA: No yaar, I have bought halwa sweet. [She opens the kitchen door and sees a handsome blonde man in boxer shorts having a cup of coffee. She drops the halwa, shouting] Hare Krishna hare ram!

BOB [smiling sweetly]: Good morning.

SMITHA: Oh my God Shanthi, did you both, you know, did you both – ?

SHANTHI: Bob, did we, you know, do that – ?

BOB: Do what, baby?

SHANTHI [taking her incense sticks, goes to do her chanting]: Hare Krishna [SMITHA joins her]Hare Rama.

After which Smitha goes home saying she has a headache giving Shanthi a hug
[BOB sits by the table, drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, and smiling to himself.]

SHANTHI [goes to have a shower, muttering]: What have I done!

[SHANTHI emerges from the bathroom, dries herself and wears her favourite pink salwar. BOB whistles when he sees her, and SHANTHI blushes.]

BOB: Shanthi, I really like you, from your spicy chilli pickle to your sweet smile. Would you be my girlfriend?

SHANTHI: I must have been good in my past karma!

[BOB leans over to kiss SHANTHI, and she puckers up. Just as they are kissing, the kitchen door opens. There stand SHANTHI’s

MUM and DAD, looking shocked at SHANTHI kissing a blond white man in boxer shorts.]

[BOB, going red, stands up and shakes hands with SHANTHI’s DAD, who is too shocked to speak.]

[SHANTHI’S MUM rushes to the prayer room chanting and praying. Oh Hare Rama I told this Idiot husband of mine do not go the UK they kiss before marriage and our daughters marry white people if they marry and Oh Hare Rama and wails saying they eat the Holy Cow,

[SHANTHI rushes to her room.]OH Hare Krishna what a timing you

are a naughty God and you have given me a white man who comes into my life my whole family turn up and now I must break coconuts at the temple I will break an extra coconut just for Bob, I am like a coconut brown outside and white inside Indian outside, British inside ,

[BOB gets changed.]

BOB [kissing Shanthi’s cheek]: See you soon, sweetheart. I’ll call you tonight.

SHANTHI [blushing and kissing him back]: I’ll be waiting for your call. [She looks worried about the explanation to her MUM AND DAD, who are now staring at her

with mouths wide open like goldfish.]

Shanthi: This is my boyfriend, Bob.